Your friend comes to you with a problem. Instead of listening to your friend’s needs, you rattle off a list of numbers they can call. The friend becomes frustrated and even resentful towards you. What happened? You thought you were helping your friend. But perhaps, you were causing more harm.
We’ve all been there struggling with a frustrating or painful situation. We call a friend only to feel unheard and treated like we’re too stupid for words. Not only are we feeling the pain of our situation but now we’re experiencing a blow to our self-esteem. And not only that, there are times when a friend or colleague gives us unsolicited advice that oozes with control or a power struggle behind it.
So, what are some steps we can take so that either we feel heard when we’re asking for help or we would like to help another without toppling over the applecart?
Ask For Specific Needs
When someone presents us with a problem, ask them if they just want an ear to bend (someone to listen to them so they feel heard), or that they want financial assistance or a place to stay if they are in between homes? You can also ask if they are looking for advice or phone numbers to call for help. Perhaps, they need a referral to a colleague.
If you’re the one asking, preface your ask with what your needs are. “I’m not seeking advice or phone referral numbers. I’m seeking someone to listen to me and to not give me advice.” Or, “I’m seeking specific advice.”
Set a Time Limit
If your friend is looking for someone to hear and acknowledge them, tell them that you have 15 or 30 minutes to meet with them. The reason you set a time limit is that listening to someone else explore their struggles can be draining. And if they go on beyond the time that you can actually manage, you’ll become frustrated and start telling them to call a list of phone numbers (even though they didn’t ask for phone numbers).
And if you’re the person asking for help, also set a time limit. This is so that your friend doesn’t start telling you their life story during a time when you’re in a crisis and need to act quickly. I’ve had this happen to me. After the phone conversation, I ran out of time to call someone else for help. This left me in a more dire situation.
Never Give Unsolicited Advice
No one enjoys receiving unsolicited advice because the person giving it is usually using control and manipulation. They feel superior to the person they are giving the unwanted advice too. It gives off an air of, “I know what’s good for you…” And it might even trigger issues the person has with parents.
It’s better to ask your friend if they want advice. They might want advice but not from you because they prefer to get advice from an objective expert. And if you push unwanted advice on someone, you might end up contradicting the advice they received from an expert which leads to confusion for them.
Don’t Turn the Situation into Expected Reciprocity
It’s wise not to keep a list of all the times you helped others and then expect payment in return at some point. If you can’t help without strings attached then it’s best not to help at all. The reason for this is resentment builds if you gave money or helped someone out and then they happily go on their own way.
You might try to control how they spend their money and time because you believe they owe you something in return. This type of thinking destroys friendships because unconditional friendship isn’t a barter and exchange. It’s not tit for tat.
And if you realize that, when you require help know that the Universe will provide you with the help that you require but it won’t necessarily come from the people you helped in the past. It seldom ever does.
Just because someone doesn’t return a favor in the future doesn’t mean they are selfish. They might be busy getting their life back on track. And once their life is back on track, they are busy maintaining that balance. If you set them free to live their life, then they might surprise you down the road with a thank you gift or think of you for an opportunity that arises that is a win-win situation.
But if you hold a grudge, your energy field repels them and they feel uncomfortable approaching you. Or you have sucked them dry with energetic cords laced with toxic resentment.
If you are the recipient of the help, write up a contract with your friend and tell them that when you get yourself settled, you’ll pay them back the money they loaned you a little at a time. You could even set up a monthly plan.
Help Set Up Crowd Funding
If you’re unable to help a friend or a colleague out financially, tell them up front. Most people are gracious about this. Help them set up a crowd funding campaign and maybe donate a small amount such as $5 to get the campaign started. Help with admin for the campaign and even generate ideas of how to raise the funds your friend requires. This way no one owes anyone after the crisis ends.
Conclusion
It’s true that empathic people are true givers. And their ability to give blesses the world if they stay open to rewards showing up from odd places. And if we find that we suffer from resentment when we give to others or we try to control how we give and how the other person receives our gift (whether that is time, attention, or money) then we block a flow of abundance. We also block true friendship from continuing.
Yes, there are people in the world who use others and that’s where discernment comes in. But we can also see how our help has allowed another person to flourish. Now, I’m not talking about co-dependent relationships. That’s something for a mental health therapist to address. And if you are constantly involved in co-dependent situations, then get help from a mental health counselor.
At the moment, many people are losing jobs, homes, and relationships. They often need a shoulder to cry on or they need to raise money or find a new job. It’s not uncommon that you encounter friends in need or be one yourself. However, be specific in your needs and know that with the help from a community you can handle any situation on your path. Hopefully, people don’t placate you by plying you with a list of phone numbers that send you on an endless loop to nowhere.
PS Most social services and churches have run out of funds and are unable to help anyone. Mental health programs usually have long waiting lists. And sending a friend to a homeless shelter places them in danger. With high housing costs, a drug epidemic sweeping across the US and the world, and mental health challenges, it’s best to prevent friends and colleagues from drowning in a system that no longer functions properly.
Disclaimer: I’m not a mental health professional. If you find yourself struggling emotionally or mentally, please seek help from a mental health professional or at least get your name on a waiting list. The advice in this article is meant for informational purposes only and it’s information that I learned along the way when I needed to receive help or when I gave help to others.
Metaphysics 4 Everyday Living 