5 Childhood Wounds That Keep You Enslaved to Others

Photo by Jessica Lynn Lewis on Pexels.com

While I’m not a psychologists or mental health counselor, I’m a recovering co-dependent who has been in the process of healing childhood wounds. And the wounds showed up for me as difficulties with interpersonal communication, attracting people with personality disorders, and inability to fully commit to anything due to self-worth issues.

During the past two years I have witnessed other ways childhood wounds damage society and even create cult-like behaviors in people. I have seen this playing out on the world stage, in the political arena, and most recently, around health and medicine.

And while I can’t prove it, I believe that if each of us healed not only our childhood wounds but our ancestor DNA, we could transform this world into a harmonious one in which we values personal freedom. For if we do not have personal freedom, we cannot evolve and fulfill our missions on the planet Earth.

Here are 5 childhood wounds that prevent global transformation:

  1. Constant need for validation from the outside world.

This one revolves around rewards and punishment. It reminds me of the lab rat who receives food when he finds the right way out of a maze. But in the human world this revolves around not feeling good enough unless an authority figure or our peers give us a thumb’s up in regard to our behaviors or other attributes.

When we heal from this need for validation, we seek only validation from our inner self. Our value of ourselves does not come from the outer world, but from us. We do not need to earn unconditional love. It is always there for us regardless of any achievements or anything we do in the outer world.

2. The inability to take responsibility for our actions, thoughts, and feelings.

If we blame or shame others for our circumstances instead of going inward and seeing how we contributed to those circumstances, we don’t evolve past our childhood wounding. We might have had parents that scapegoated us or perhaps, taking responsibility for behavior or deeds led to physical or emotional abuse. So, instead of owning our power including the power to create circumstances in our lives, we give that power away by blaming and shaming others.

When we heal this wound we become confident adults who live our lives with integrity. People can count on us and we are able to make solid commitments that provide win-win situations.

3. We get involved in the us versus them game.

This actually dovetails with #2 on the list because it also involves shaming to an extent. It also involves tribalism in that we join a group with an exclusive label attached to it or we cast one group (such as with the Woke movement, which I find dangerous) as the victim or underdog. When we side with that group in a false solidarity we actually weaken not only that group by casting the negative vibration of the victim, but we exclude other views and opinions from the conversation. In our own self-righteousness we don’t even allow the maligned group to speak for themselves!

This is one of the worst kinds of dualism. And so many people join this type of thinking or behavior believing that they are doing something positive in the world. The childhood wound attached is the one of persecution. And until this wound is healed through therapy and doing the work, it’s used as a projection on to an ethic or minority group that “needs our help.” As someone who is a minority, I can honestly say that minorities don’t see this as solidarity but as a condescending behavior. It’s saying that we’re not powerful and we can’t make it in the world without your sympathy.

I also see this happening on the world stage when a more powerful or developed country forces its help on a developing country. And by forcing that help, they also force their religious and political beliefs while treating the people of the developing nation like small helpless children instead of empowering them to help themselves.

If you want to heal the world, heal your childhood wound. Most people avoid doing this because it’s too easy to step out of oneself and find a group or cause to support instead. But you’re not fooling anyone. And this backfires eventually because we will all have to heal our childhood wounds at some point.

4. The obsessive need for labels or belonging to a group.

There’s nothing wrong with wearing a label lightly when we are discovering who we are by discovering who we are not. Labels are in a way like setting a boundary. For instance, before I knew better, I defined myself as a vegan. This helped me to stick to my diet and develop deeper mindfulness. However, it also kept me in a pigeon hole with no wiggle room and prevented me from evolving further. Life can never be explained by labels. Humans are more complex than that.

Labels are like bull pens and we can become trapped in a group. Not only that, we end up entangled in a bunch of rules and dogma. And this leads to group think which is another dangerous situation which leads to mass psychosis. It also wreaks of dualistic thinking, “my group is better than yours.” Or “You’re wrong for these reasons and I’m right and righteous.”

While it’s wired in our human brains to belong in groups, we need to be careful that the groups are inclusive instead of exclusive. When we push others to edge of society they might develop anti-social behaviors (if they don’t already have them) and this is a disaster waiting to happen. We need to find the balance within groups and our individuality.

The childhood wound here revolves around feeling like the outsider or perhaps, being bullied by other children or even family members. The wound revolves also around being cast in the role of the scapegoat or the invisible one in a family. We become hungry, even ravenous for any attention from anyone. This makes us ripe victims for narcissists, sociopaths, and con artists. This also can lead to falling victim to a crime.

Again work with a therapist to help with healing low self-worth and the constant need for outside validation. It’s not that you can’t join any groups, but find healthy groups to join that are based on mutual respect and provide a space for deep healing. Look for people who are truly supportive and not just fishing for information to use against you at a later date. This one is tricky. I know, I’ve fallen prey to it.

5. You are triggered by other people’s thoughts and beliefs that are different from your own.

If you find yourself going into a rage because someone holds a different political or religious view to your own, then you have some work to do around self-confidence.

We can all educate ourselves better about political systems, religions, and other ways of being in the world. This does not mean we agree with those situations or beliefs that we discover only that we understand where other people are coming from. Our beliefs come from our educational background and personal experiences. They also come from our family background.

The problem is that education is lacking in some countries and what’s being taught is consumerism and buying into a mainstream narrative. We aren’t open for healthy debate any longer nor are we able to agree to disagree while keeping the harmony in store. This is because we are not secure within ourselves and red flags go off when someone has other beliefs.

We might fear that the other person will indoctrinate us onto a dangerous path. Our brains sense danger and we might even go into a panic attack thus losing our ability to think rationally, if we can think at all.

Cognitive therapy coaching or counseling can bring healing so that we are no longer triggered by other people. A belief can change over time as people educate themselves and open themselves up to healthy dialogue with others who aren’t like-minded. But the belief needs to change organically and not because the person was inducted into a hall of fear, guilt, and shame.

If any of the five wounds I mentioned resonate with you, please seek psychological or mental health counseling. I write from my own experiences. I’m not qualified to work with anyone on these issues so I hope that anyone experiences them will seek professional help because as each of us heal ourselves we help to lift the world up. We become examples of holistic well-being and others become inspired to awaken to a world of better possibilities.

Published by pnwauthor

I reside in the rainy Pacific NW (Washington State) where I write novels, short "green" fiction, and poetry. I also go for walks capturing the beauty around me on my digital and freelance as an arts and culture journalist. When I'm not doing all of the above (and sometimes multi-tasking), I research the healing power of music. You can learn more about that at Whole Music Experience, www.wholemusicexp.blogspot.com and I teach workshops on healing with music.

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